Reflections

Reflecting on the events of last night, I'm asking myself why I opted for karaoke and cocktails at a local bar rather than making my way home to the comfy creative haven I adore...disappointment?  

Not that I didn't enjoy the social outing, but exploring the conditions that lead to that decision gives me some pause for concern.  Eh...so, in a moment of weakness perhaps I felt the attention would be comforting.  Of course, in the end I justified it by handing out a few business cards and having some cool coversation with a few potential fans or friends...and, yes, the attention was a perfect distraction, but all in all probably not my best demonstration of responsible decision making.  I should know better by now...freeeezing cold late night...foggy headed morning.  I remember this feeling, but haven't had it in a long time...
 
Then the twilight dream...you were laying in bed with me kissing me and telling me to wake up...that you had to leave soon.  I was confused...How did you get in? What time is it?  When did you get here?...and then I said "This isn't real".  You told me again that you had to leave soon, and you wanted me to show you the rest of my place so I did. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed my now deceased kitty very much alive laying on the counter.  I went over to snuggle him thinking to myself that I had been neglecting him, but then I remembered he wasn't alive anymore...Which kitty was this? He looked like the first one I ever had...the one that found me watching the sunset from the hood of my boyfriends car...the one that died in the fire...

My grandmother is in the hospital after an "episode" last week...she's on her way to a rehab and recovery center and should return home in a couple of weeks, but we fear this episode may have taken a piece of the mental acuity she so amazingly managed to retain.  She reads the dictionary, plays bridge, collects stamps, and will kick your ass at Jeopardy, but in the hospital recently she played a sweet game of peek-a-boo and catch with my sister...reversion...regression...gradual dismantling of the neural pathways that remind us where we've been in this lifetime...nature's way of making the eventual exit less difficult?  

And in the same moment, I'm blessed...happy...fortunate...so f_(#!^% fortunate!  Life contiues to unfold in amazing ways and the puzzle pieces fill themselves in affirming my core belief that the key to a life well lived lies in finding your unique talents, building your life around them, and using them to help others. Still, the winds blow around me...around all of us...always...spinning, spinning, spinning,...a whirlwind of emotion and activity.  I stay centered, focused, healthy, and clear most of the time by insulating myself from too many random variables.  I often think of sharing this insulated space with someone who feels the same way, but am unsure if its even possible or realistic. Maybe the beauty is in the solitude itself ...
 
I told myself I that I wouldn't share these random thoughts with people in my life unless they asked, and yet I still have the urge to externalize them. I suppose a "semi-private" blog is as good a place as any to download my mental contents ;) 

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